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The Not-So Secret Way To Getting It In!

Yep we`re talking about sex – because I don’t understand how a large majority of couples I talk to, young and old, with and without kids, are NOT having sex. How is this happening?! Are we really so busy that we can`t make time to be intimate with our significant other? No wonder the divorce rate is so high. Now I know there are many legitimate factors that come into play here, like maybe someone is dealing with health issues, maybe there are issues with the `down-stairs` region, maybe…well that`s honestly all I can think of. The excuses I do hear are; we have kids, we`re too busy, I`m tired, we go to bed at different times, I`m not comfortable with my body, we`re too old, our schedules don`t connect, I`m on my period, I`m pregnant! I`m sorry, but I have three kids, we`re busy, I`m tired, we go to bed at different times, I’ve been pregnant and sometimes I have my period, but we always make time for each other. A few days don’t go by when we don`t, and if they do, I`m losing my mind, get super bitchy and then the bickering starts…but my hubby knows the cure: his P in my V – works every time! No, I`m not bragging, I`m just telling you how it is, and how it could be.

I know sex isn’t everything and there is way more to a relationship than sex, but sex is pretty important if you ask me. It`s connecting, feeling love, security, and happiness. Connecting both physically and emotionally creates that special balance in your relationship.

Turn On My Brain

I think the main reason couples aren`t physically intimate is because they have disconnected emotionally. They have allowed the above excuses to take over, creating a wedge in between the most important person in their life. They need to get that connection back, bring back the spark, and turn on the brain! As a matter of fact, the biggest sexual organ in the body is the brain. Maybe once they get that part figured out, the physical will come naturally.

Date night selfies!

Date night selfies!

Here are a few ways you can try to reconnect with your partner.

Date Night

I mean, this is a given. Go out together somewhere fun, or do something you both enjoy, or used to do together when you first started dating, and when you first fell in love. Dates don`t have to be expensive or fancy. Enjoy a meal together at home, snuggle up and watch a movie, have a bath, there are so many options. We pretend we`re on a date once all the kids leave the table. It isn`t much but it allows us to be mindful of each other at that moment; even if only for 5 minutes.


Send cute text messages or photos to each other throughout the day. It lets them know you`re thinking of them and is sure to bring a smile to their face.

Have a Conversation

Talk to your partner…about anything. Just talk. Share your opinions, your goals, and your feelings. Put the phones away and focus on what each other is saying, look into one another’s eyes and be engaged.


Have physical contact with your partner every day. Kiss each other hello and good-bye, hug, hold hands, and give them a caress when passing by. These actions show your partner that you care and that you love being with them.


Be silly!


Sharing a laugh can really strengthen your relationship. Laugh at each other’s jokes, be silly, and reminisce about funny memories. Laughing can really lighten your mood too. Don`t take things so seriously, a lot of the time if a situation isn’t serious it can be laughed about. For example, we drove our van into the underground parking with our luggage carrier on top – needless to say it didn’t fit. Oops! Many people would be angry and may even fight about this situation, but ultimately no one was hurt and the carrier was salvageable, so what better thing to do but laugh.

Flirt and Show Sex Appeal

Relationships take effort the whole way through. When you were dating you would give them the best version of yourself; keep that up! Put on a nice outfit; make yourself look attractive to your partner. Tease them, make eyes, flash some sexy skin, deliberately wear something revealing and scrub the floor! Haha

Help Out

Doing one’s share isn’t only fair, but it can be very attractive. It’s another way to show you care and want to work together with that person to achieve a common goal. I love when my husband shares in the cleaning! It makes my to do list much shorter, allowing us more time to hang.

Motivate and Support

Cheer your partner on! Make sure they know you are on their side and you want them to succeed in their personal goals. Share your feedback and offer constructive criticism, but do so without judgement or negativity. Those things can really kill their positive stride and could lead to resentment.

Respect Each Other’s Individuality

You’re two individuals who have chosen to share a life together as one; but you’re still individuals. You need time to yourself, time with friends, time to be you and to do the things you love. Your partner should respect that time, as you would do the same for them. Unless the actions jeopardize the life you’ve built together, no one should be telling you what you can and can’t do. This is something I am so grateful for in my relationship. My husband and I understand that we need this time; we never call or text multiple times while one is on this time to bitch and complain about how long they’re out and what they’re doing. Most of the time if we do, we’re texting to see that all is well and they’re safe; in turn the one out usually texts an update. It’s about respect, not control.

Turn Up the Beats

Playing music in your home can actually increase the amount of time you spend together, and trigger the release of oxytocin, making you feel closer and tightly bonded. Not to mention it lightens the mood and makes daily tasks less monotonous. And who doesn’t love a dance party!

Your connection might be so lost that some of these things might be awkward; but start off slowly, doing the things that come easiest and then work your way from there. You may be surprised how receptive your partner is to your new attitude and increased positive attention, and they’ll be sure to return the good vibes. The idea is to reconnect with your partner mentally and emotionally, which will make your relationship stronger, and lead to making sweet sweet love! Everyone deserves sex, because without it you’re just glorified roommates, and that can’t be fun for anyone!


Photos: Kurtz Orpia

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